Another Facebook Fool

It’s amazing to me how often people think I’m either too stupid or too gullible to know what they’re up to, especially when we’re friends on Facebook.

Javier friended me after seeing my picture in a group we’re both part of. We chatted back and forth occasionally, and he was flirtatious. He lived on the other side of the country but worked as a truck driver, and he said that he’d love to meet me in person sometime when he was in the area. He seemed like a very sweet guy. He was a widower with grown kids and said he was really looking for a woman who would make him a priority, not an option.

One weekend, I saw that he had made his way back home for several days and he had posted pics of himself with some woman. He said she had been his high school crush, that they had reconnected, and the old sparks were there. I messaged him saying it looked like he had found a love connection and that I was happy for him. Initially, he claimed to be very excited about reconnecting with this woman and he was happy to have her back in his life. I told him I still wanted to be friends regardless. He continued ‘poking’ me a few times a week on Facebook, meanwhile constantly changing his profile pic to various ones of his lady friend {am I the only one who thinks that’s kinda creepy?}.

Suddenly, he started really flirting with me, acting like I was the one who got away. He said it was too bad we hadn’t been able to meet because he was sure we’d have amazing chemistry. I wondered what his girl back home would say if she knew he was talking to me like that. I said as much, and he said he didn’t know where things were going with her. We chatted off and on, and some of the conversations got fairly suggestive. He said he loved a woman with a round ass and talked about his favorite sexual positions. He said I was just his type and that I turned him on. One night we were playing 20 questions and everything he said was sexual. He started talking again about wanting to meet me, and again I wondered what the story was with this other woman. I got the impression that he thought I was a sure thing, so I told him I’m not easy. His response was, “I see.”

Within days after that, he suddenly changed his Facebook status to ‘in a relationship.’ He posted check-ins along his route, and each one professed his love for this woman in Vietnamese {I looked it up in Google translator}. I sent him a message saying it looked like he had figured out where things were going with her after all. I said I guessed he didn’t need me anymore and admitted that I’m tired of being the one who’s disposable. He claimed that I was ‘closed up’ and that he couldn’t be himself around me because I got offended at everything he said. Oh? I really resented that. I made one comment letting him know that I wouldn’t just fall on the ground with my legs in the air and suddenly I was closed up? I reminded him that he sure didn’t have any trouble being himself around me when he was talking about the size of his package and asking what the kinkiest thing I’d ever done was. He said that it was just a game.

Suddenly it was clear. She would be his lady in the streets and I was to be his freak in the sheets. He thought he could court her and woo her, and when he was in this part of the country he would have me for the fun sexual stuff.

Guess again, pal.

Maybe he didn’t realize that all of his posts showed up in my news feed. Maybe he didn’t care. Either way, he can keep right on truckin’.


Skeletons in the Closet

Funny how a guy can seem so great when you don’t know his background. Stacy has told me many times to check guys out online, that there’s plenty of info to be found in public records. I actually did check public records on one guy to see if he really was divorced {since he cleverly avoided giving me a straight answer on the topic}. But one search turned up way more than I ever expected.

I met Cecil online and was immediately very attracted to him. He had a great smile and was very sweet. We went out a few times and there were definite sparks. We got along really well, and his kisses were amazing. But certain things about him troubled me.

For one, he often didn’t pick up his phone at night when I called, even when he had told me to call around a certain time. He also stood me up a few times with little or no notice, and when I got upset about it, he’d say, “Well I can see you’re feelin some kinda way.” Um, yeah, I’m feelin some kinda pissed off, pal. I really started wondering if he was married or living with someone, so I started doing a little digging online.

I didn’t have to look far.

I never did find out if Cecil was married or cohabitating, but I did find out that he was a convicted felon. Yep. Apparently, several years earlier, he had beaten one of his neighbors with a shovel because he thought the neighbor had injured his daughter. From the police report, it sounded like his daughter had been taunting the guy, and when he started to come after her, she tried to take off but ran right into a tree. She went home crying and her father grabbed the shovel, came down the street, and proceeded to pummel the guy. Lovely! The best part is, he had told me he avoided confrontation whenever possible because his kids were way too important to him to be away from them, especially for something like prison.

When I told Stacy, she did a little more digging and discovered that he had also once been an accessory to murder. Apparently he and someone else were robbing a store and ended up shooting and killing the cashier. He did some prison time, but I’m not sure how much, altogether. He never gave any indication that he was prone to violence, which made his criminal record that much more shocking. Needless to say, I was suddenly really afraid to have Cecil in my life. I knew better than to tell him what I knew, so I came up with another idea. I told him I thought I was just too needy and clingy for him, that I needed a guy who would be there all the time for me, etc. He never contacted me again after that. I was still a little worried that he’d call or text after a month or so, but thankfully he never did.

At times like this, I’m really glad my parents don’t know much, if anything, about my dating life. I think they’d ship me off to a nunnery {or at least force me to live in their basement}.

No Time for SpongeBob

Back when I told my parents I wanted to get a divorce, my dad said that I would be like a walking target. He said that because I had a house {which I have since sold}, a degree, and a good job, that guys would be out to take advantage of me. I rolled my eyes and dismissed it as just another one of his ridiculous assumptions.

Little did I know.

Not long after my divorce, when I had started looking for love {or something like it} online, I met Lennie. He was kind of cute, said a lot of things that I liked/needed to hear, and was a passionate kisser. I soon realized, however, that he had a few strikes against him. First, he had no job. He was taking classes to be certified in HVAC repair… or, at least, he wore the shirt from the school he supposedly attended EVERY time I saw him. He also had no car, which meant that he either took the bus to meet me or I picked him up somewhere. Oh, and he didn’t have his own place. He had been going from relative to relative, sleeping on couches. I didn’t know this about him until after we had been talking for a little while.

The first time we met was at the beach, so no money was involved. The next time, he called and said his car {which ended up belonging to someone else} broke down, so I had to pick him up and he was kind enough to let me pay for his lunch. We only went out one other time after that, and I decided that ‘Sugar Mama’ wasn’t a title I was anxious to have.

When I was seeing Todd, he was extremely cheap. Many times, he’d ask if I could pay when we went out, and at first I didn’t mind. But after a few times, I saw the pattern emerging and I brought it up. He got very defensive, saying that I was acting like he never paid for anything. Ummm…maybe because that’s exactly how it was? In our last go-round, we always stayed in, either at his place or mine. He would occasionally buy groceries for us to have dinner, or ordered pizza, or bought beer, but in general, he was pretty tight with his wallet. He claimed it was because he had bills to worry about and child support to take care of. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m very understanding and very low-maintenance. I don’t need to be taken out to eat all the time or to the movies. But an occasional date is nice. I never asked anyone to break the bank. Many times, we went dutch when we did go out to eat.

Todd told me a few times that he wasn’t letting me go this time, that he was going to sweep me off my feet. He said he wanted to take me on a real date to a nice restaurant. Try to contain your shock, but none of that ever occurred. Still here, waiting to be swept off my feet.

Then there was Russell. I spotted him online and immediately made it my mission to meet this guy. He was really good-looking and an ex-marine. I sent him a message and we started talking, and he told me he was working part-time while he was going to school to get his degree so he could become a teacher. That was admirable. I started to waver when he said he had no car. The first time I met him, I was very physically attracted. We got along really well and he made me feel so sexy. We tended to stay at his apartment rather than go out, which I didn’t entirely mind because it was nice to stay in and watch movies etc.

After we had been talking/seeing each other for a few weeks, he called me one day while I was at work. He was being very sweet, asking about my day, calling me ‘beautiful,’ etc. Then he hit me with the reason he called: he wanted to know if I could give him money to pay his cell phone bill. My heart sank. I said I didn’t have it, even though I did. He said, “Well, if I don’t pay my bill, you and I won’t be able to talk til next week.” I still didn’t budge. Someone else must have given him the money {if indeed he needed it for his phone} because we still kept talking. But now I had my guard up. Several days later, I told him it bothered me that he had asked me for money and he said that he had asked me out of respect. He said he didn’t want me to be upset if I found out he had asked someone else. Wow. What a romantic, wonderful, thoughtful load of bullshit! We stopped talking soon after that, and several months later, he sent me an e-mail saying that I had thrown away a good man. If that’s a good man, I guess I don’t need one after all.

My favorite of the sponges had to be Alphonso. Or whatever his name was. He said he was an assistant law professor at the local university and also had his own legal advice business. We had spoken several times before making plans to meet. The day of our date, he texted me saying that someone had stolen $500 out of his wallet, and that he wouldn’t be able to pay for our date that night. He also supposedly had something wrong with his car so I would need to drive. Now, before I go into the rest of this date, I just want to say that I’ve come a long way since then and have stopped being the nice girl/doormat.

Anyway, despite my MANY reservations, I drove downtown and picked him up. He was in a suit and tie and was carrying a briefcase. That looked semi-legit, right? The Chinese restaurant he wanted to go to was about 25 minutes away. I didn’t know why he wanted to go that far when there were plenty closer to where we were. But I went along with it. On the way, he said he wanted to come back to my place after dinner, so why didn’t we stop and get some snacks? We stopped at a dollar store, and he proceeded to load a cart with about $20 worth of snacks, which I ended up paying for {ah, yes, the mysterious stolen money}. We went out to eat, and he actually paid for part of that. During dinner, he said that he had boils all over his body. Ummm… not exactly the magic words to make me forget all my other reservations about this guy.

After dinner, the last thing I wanted was this guy anywhere near my house. I told him I was going to take him home instead. He seemed very taken aback but said okay. I knew the name of his street, but he directed me to a different street, saying his grandmother lived closer and that he would just crash at her place. When I dropped him off, he took the entire bag of snacks and went in the house. Yeah, that happened. Needless to say, $20 was a fair price, in my humble opinion, to get rid of this fool. After that ‘date,’ I mentioned the whole thing to Stacy, who just so happened to know some professors in the Law department of that university. Turns out no one by that name {or anyone even looking like him} worked there or in any other department. Yes, I was an idiot for even going out with him in the first place, but at least I had the sense to boot his ass to Grandma’s curb instead of taking him home with me, right? A few days later, he sent me some fairly psychotic-sounding text messages, which pretty much confirmed that this guy was not all there, whoever he was.

Stacy has said she thinks that some guys find me intimidating because I’m educated and have a good job. Maybe, maybe not. I don’t act superior to anyone. And the guys I’m most attracted to are more the blue collar type. I think it’s sexy to watch a man work with his hands…changing the oil, fixing a leak under the sink, hammering a nail… But many times, the guys I’ve talked to who have blue collar jobs also haven’t gone to college, and I’m totally ok with that. Yeah, I like to have a good conversation, but I don’t need to spout algorithms or have a spelling contest to have chemistry with a guy. I’m very generous with my time and I love to spoil people that I’m close to, whether family, friends, or romantic interests. But I’m not about to be anyone’s meal ticket. I have a decent job. I’m not financially wealthy, but I do okay. I take care of myself, my daughter, and my bills, and I expect any man I’m involved with to do the same. Is that too much to ask? Maybe so.

Take that empty wallet and get to steppin', pal.

Take that empty wallet and get to steppin’, pal.

When I Was a Catfish

catfish [kat-fish] verb
To pretend to be someone you’re not online by posting false information, such as someone else’s pictures, on social media sites usually with the intention of getting someone to fall in love with you.


I recently discovered this term and the TV show of the same name. Only then did I realize, I used to be a catfish.

About six years ago, I was unhappily married and felt trapped in a dead-end marriage. My {now}ex-husband was working crazy hours and I found myself online more and more, playing games on Yahoo. After a few very flirtatious and enticing conversations with random guys I was playing Scrabble against, I found myself drawn into the world of chatrooms. I liked the attention I was getting and liked that I could have actual conversations with people — something that was occurring less and less frequently at home. More often than not, when I did try to have a conversation with hubs, he was too busy on the computer or watching TV to even look at me while I was speaking. He forgot most of what I said, or just wasn’t paying attention in the first place, so I gradually just stopped talking.

At night, while he was at work, I would get online. I always used a fake name and lied about where I was from, mainly to protect my privacy. After all, I was a married woman. I had no intention of meeting anyone in person, but I loved having someone to chat with at any given time. With some of the guys I chatted with, it was just great conversations. I would mention things that were going on in my marriage, and was able to get insight and advice from a guy’s perspective without worrying about what they’d think since they had no idea who I really was.

I don’t think I really knew how far my marriage had deteriorated until I started having these interactions. They made me laugh, made me think, and gave me a glimpse of how I wanted my marriage to be. Some of the guys I chatted with led me down a much different path…flirtatious chat, cyber sex, and even sex chat using a mic. I couldn’t get enough of it and soaked it up like a sponge. This random collection of guys provided something for me that hubs hadn’t in years, if ever. They actually remembered things I said in conversation and genuinely seemed interested in what I had to say. They made me feel sexy and beautiful, which I desperately needed at that time.

One night, I met Lance in a chatroom, and we hit it off right away. When he wanted to see what I looked like, I sent him a few pics I had found of a Russian mail-order bride. She looked young {20-something} and fun, with long legs and wild wavy hair. I made up an entire persona, saying that I owned a flower shop and came from a big family. The reason I gave for not wanting to talk on the phone was that I was separated and not sure where things were going with my husband. Semi true, I suppose.

We became extremely close, chatting every day and sharing our innermost thoughts. I never intended to launch into a relationship with anyone, but I found myself falling in love with him. I felt extremely guilty, the longer things went on. I actually thought of possible ways that we might be able to meet {he lived in another state}, where I “accidentally” showed up where he worked or something. It was totally out of control. Over time, I began to distance myself somewhat. I just didn’t feel right misleading him but I didn’t know how to get out of the situation without hurting him. We gradually stopped talking altogether, but every once in a while I peeked at his Facebook page and saw that he had gotten married and had a baby. I was happy for him, but was shocked to see that he named his daughter the same name {spelled slightly differently} that I had used when we were chatting. That still blows my mind.

There were other guys who I got involved with online, never as myself. With one guy, I was a young dance instructor. With another, I was a yoga teacher. I fabricated a whole new me, partly for privacy, as I said earlier, but also because it felt good to kind of recreate myself in the way I’d rather have been. Instead of an overweight, miserable wife and mom in her 30s, I was a young, fun, vibrant 20-something with her whole life ahead of her. It was an escape from the reality of my life and I craved it for a time.

I pretty much stopped cold turkey when hubs found out what I was up to. Apparently, he was suspicious and installed some kind of spyware on the computer. He saw several of my conversations, including some pretty racy stuff. I was very embarrassed, and he felt betrayed that I had been talking to other guys. I tried to explain to him that if things were ok in our marriage, I never would have fallen into the world of online chatting etc. He was angry that I was discussing our marital problems with strangers, but I asked if he would have preferred that I air our dirty laundry to our close friends.

Looking back, it was actually a good thing that that he busted me. It really brought things to a head in what was left of our marriage. It forced me to see how truly screwed up things had become, and it convinced me that I would rather be alone than in such an unhappy relationship.

I’ve thought about trying to find some way to contact Lance and come clean about what I did. I wanted to tell him that even though I lied about who I was, my feelings for him were genuine. But I don’t think anything would be accomplished by that. He’s happy and married now. That’s enough for me.

I’m not proud of what I did, and I certainly never intended to get emotionally involved with anyone. I’m just thankful that the Catfish show wasn’t around back when I was chatting. How embarrassing would THAT have been if I had been found out?


The Facebook Fool

When I was still trying the online dating thing, I met Ralph. He was an accountant with two kids and I felt like I had finally met a contender. He was cute and funny and we had great conversations. He told me that lots of guys claim to be nice guys, but that he genuinely was just a really nice guy. After we had been chatting for a week or two, he added me on Facebook. This looked promising!

One day, as I was browsing Facebook, I noticed an exchange between him and some girl. They were taunting each other about a football game, but it sounded very flirtatious. I asked him about it, thinking that if there was someone else he was interested in, I’d bow out gracefully. We hadn’t met yet, so no harm, no foul. He assured me that she was just a friend who used to work with him. I let it go and more or less forgot about it.

We had been trying to make plans to meet, but our busy schedules {not to mention the fact that he lived 45 min away} kept getting in the way. Finally, we were due to meet on an upcoming Saturday. He wanted to take me to his favorite steak place {did this guy know the way to my heart, or what?}. The Wednesday before our first date was to occur, we were texting after work. I asked what he was doing that night and he said it was his best friend’s birthday and that they were going out to dinner. He said he’d call or text when he got home, and I didn’t give it another thought.

Later, I was bored and surfing on Facebook, when I see in my newsfeed that he had been tagged in someone’s post. More specifically, he had been tagged in a girl’s post who was gushing about the wonderful dinner she’d just had and how wonderful he was etc etc. It had clearly been a date, not just a dinner between friends. Oh, and the girl writing the post was the same one he was “just friends” with. NICE.

I followed the post for the next hour or so, as her various friends chimed in wondering who this guy was. He finally piped up to accept the accolades, and said he thought she was wonderful and that he would never hurt her. How NICE! I was sooooo tempted to either click ‘like’ on the comments, or to otherwise call him out in front of God and everybody. I really kind of regret that I didn’t. Instead, I took the semi-high road and sent him a text that said, “Well, I’m assuming our date for this weekend is off. Just friends, huh? Have a nice life. Oh, and btw, you were wrong. You’re not a nice guy. You’re an asshole.” Surprise, surprise, he never responded.



The Boomerang {aka, the one I’m never ever ever getting back together with…like, ever.}

{I must apologize in advance for the length of this one. It’s kind of a complicated story, but one that bears telling.}
I met Todd on a dating site when I wasn’t entirely sure what I was looking for. He was good looking but struck me as kind of serious. I can be serious, but I’m pretty lighthearted and tend to laugh a lot. We talked for a while on the phone before deciding to meet.

We had arranged to meet for dinner at a restaurant nearby, and when I got there and saw him, I did something completely out of character for me. I walked right up to him and kissed him. He seemed surprised and didn’t immediately kiss me back, making me feel very foolish. He later said it was because he was catching a quick smoke before I got there and had a mouthful of cigarette smoke. At first glance, he reminded me of Carlton, from Fresh Prince of Bel Air…very straight laced and business-like.

We found a table, and I was amazed at how quickly I felt completely comfortable with him. We were sitting sort of facing each other, and my leg was between his. It felt like the most natural thing in the world. I really wanted to kiss him and told him as much, but he was hesitant because he was still married {separated, but still married} and was worried someone he knew could be around.

After we ate, we decided to go for a drive. Near the restaurant we discovered a small park. We pulled in… and proceeded to make out like teenagers. I couldn’t get enough. At one point, he was kind of on top of me in the front seat, then reached down and reclined the seat. I immediately went from semi-upright to being on my back, and it was so sexy. The logical, grown-up part of my brain was worried that a cop would come by and bust us for public indecency or something. We were both dressed, but still. How embarrassing would that be to get arrested or even fined for making out in a car??

How very, very naughty...

How very, very naughty…

He had me so turned on. I was very close to throwing caution to the wind and letting him take me right there in the front seat of his Corolla. He was rock hard and I wanted him so badly. I don’t know what came over me. I was never that girl who got loose on a first date, but it felt so right with him. Finally, we both knew we better be getting home. We got out of the car for a minute and he pressed me against it, kissing me. I was so turned on, I was half out of my head.

After that night, we tried to see each other whenever we could, but with work schedules and family lives, it was tough. We had some great conversations and could laugh together. We met for lunch a few times and often ended up making out in the car. It was never enough. I wanted him.

We both played hooky and met at a hotel room one afternoon. It felt so illicit, so naughty, so perfect. We had both agreed to take our time, but once we were behind closed doors, alone, all bets were off. Our clothes were off in a matter of minutes. We were all over each other, kissing, touching… It felt so good to finally have him, feel him… We had sex a few times that afternoon and dozed in between, exhausted.

Sex with Todd was unbelievably good. He may have looked like Carlton, but he loved like a wild man. I always thought of him as the male version of ‘lady in the streets, freak in the sheets.’

We saw each other for only a few months when he got some bad news…his company was downsizing and his branch was closing. I tried to be supportive but he was extremely stressed about how to pay his bills and trying not to lose his house, not to mention paying for his kids’ tuition. I was a factor that he just couldn’t deal with and he broke things off. It hurt to know he could walk away from me so easily, but I tried not to dwell on it.

A few months later, he got back in touch with me, saying he missed me. We picked up right where we left off, and it was good, but some of that excitement of a new relationship had faded. It also didn’t help that he was still technically married and was back living with his wife, even though he claimed their relationship was very platonic.

I was in the process of trying to sell my house and was under a huge amount of stress. My ex wasn’t helping at all to get the house ready to list {we both still owned it}. So it fell on me to clean, paint, fix and organize everything myself. My relationship with Todd wasn’t exactly a priority, and I think he felt that. We kind of drifted apart, and I didn’t really mind so much this time.

Several months later, I was messing with my Yahoo account when the messenger box popped up. I hadn’t used it in some time, but back when we were together, Todd and I chatted on it regularly. There was his name, with the little dot next to it, indicating that he was online. I thought about it for a while, and decided to send him a quick message. I just said hello and asked how he was, not knowing if he’d even bother to respond.

He did. We caught up a bit, making small talk, and mentioned maybe meeting for lunch sometime. Weeks went by, and I was busy with work and my new place. We were still chatting online a few times a week, but no solid plans had been made. Finally, one Saturday, we agreed to meet downtown for lunch. I deliberated for a long time over what to wear. I didn’t want to look like I had made an effort for him, but at the same time I wanted to look damn good.

I walked in and gave him a hug. I could tell he was a bit apprehensive, but I acted very casual, as if we were just two friends meeting for lunch who hadn’t seen each other in a while. It was nice to see him, but I didn’t have any expectations of anything more.

He texted me later that day and said he’d wanted to kiss me but didn’t know if I wanted him to. I realized at that moment that I did. We met for dinner a few nights later and this time there was a definite vibe in the air. I could see him looking at me with that same old hunger in his eyes. When he walked me to my car, he kissed me, and it all came flooding back. I didn’t want it to end.

He said he and his wife were again separated, he had gotten an apartment, and they were talking lawyers and divorce. I tried not to get my hopes up. We started seeing each other, yet again, and this time something was different. It all felt brand new…familiar, yet new and exciting. We talked about a future together, how he had planned to just remain alone, but now he really wanted a future with me. I could actually see it…bringing him to family events, going on dates, and having a real relationship. At last, we both seemed to be on the same page.

At first, things were fantastic. The sex was better than ever. We were trying new things, and couldn’t get enough of each other…sexually, anyway. It bothered me that we only saw each other every other week or so. There was no real reason for it. I could understand crazy work schedules, or if he had his kids, etc. But when I brought it up, he said that when he got home at the end of the day, he just fell into his routine of fixing his dinner and getting his clothes ironed for the next day, etc. Seeing me just wasn’t really in that routine. It didn’t seem to bother him that he only saw me occasionally, but I wanted and needed more. I needed to feel like a priority, not a convenience.

Another problem was that he was very cagey about what information he would share with me. To this day, I have no idea if his divorce was ever final because he refused to give me a straight answer.

He was also physically attached to his phone. Any little beep and he had to check it, even if it was just a weather update. He couldn’t understand why I thought that was rude. On one occasion, when I fussed about him checking his phone every 10 seconds, he said he might be getting a text from his kids, and said bluntly, “Yes, I have other priorities that are more important than you.” Funny how spoken words can feel like a slap in the face. I pretty much paid my half of the bill and got up and left at that point. He later apologized but it still stung that he said it at all. He made almost an identical comment a few weeks later, and yet for some reason I still didn’t kick him to the curb.

He claimed to love me, saying he honestly couldn’t see himself with anyone but me. He promised to make more of an effort to see me. He promised that once he had more money {he had picked up a side job to supplement his income} he would take me on a real date. Months went by, and nothing changed. I began to feel sad about the fact that I was apparently not worthy of his time or effort. I was also bothered by the fact that he would mostly just text me. We very rarely spoke on the phone, which struck me as odd since he had his own place. When I was married, I resigned myself to accepting scraps of attention from my {now} ex. It made me sad to realize I was back to square one, accepting scraps from Todd.

But I’m a much different woman than I was when I was married. Then, I accepted scraps because I genuinely didn’t think I could do better. Now, I’ve come to the realization that I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person, and I refuse to settle ever again. I refuse to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. I have to believe I’m worth more than that.

I think, because certain things about our relationship were so good, I was really trying to make it work with him. Granted, any relationship is gonna take work, but in my opinion, it just shouldn’t be that hard. He said and did things a few times that made me wonder if he was trying to get me to break up with him so he wouldn’t have to do the dirty work.

The last month we were technically a couple {and I say ‘couple’ in the loosest sense of the word}, we never spoke on the phone or even saw each other. We’d had a stupid misunderstanding, and instead of trying to patch things up like we usually did, he turned it into a big issue. We texted back and forth for a month, and finally, on Valentine’s Day, of all days, we broke up. He said some intentionally hurtful things, which I know were said because he, himself, was feeling upset and hurt and was trying to hurt me. I just couldn’t get past that. In any relationship I’ve ever been in, I have never resorted to insults or intentionally hurtful words. But Todd had a way of saying just the right thing to work under my skin like a barb. I refused to stoop to his level, no matter how tempting it was.

And so, as much as it hurt to do it, I walked away from Todd for good, with my dignity intact and trying to convince myself that there was someone out there would see me as worthy of their time. Sometimes he crosses my mind, and I can’t help but wonder if he feels stupid for letting me go, for throwing away something that I think could have been amazing. I’ll probably never know.

Next up: Kiss the Girl

Why I Want to Smack That eHarmony Guy

Despite my early luck in catching the interest of a few guys, I quickly learned that it’s really not an easy thing to do. I work in an office with pretty meager pickings when it comes to guys. They are all a bit too old, or a bit too metrosexual, or a bit too married.

I decided to try online dating because I thought it might be a better way to go. According to the commercials, I could find someone perfect for me. I tried a couple of different free dating sites, and kept running into guys whose idea of getting to know me meant asking about my bra size. I also got messages from many guys who bore an uncanny resemblance to the Unabomber.

Hey ladies, I've got a cave and a case of C-4. Let's do this.

Hey ladies, I’ve got a cave and a case of C-4. Let’s do this.

I finally caved in and paid for a trial membership on eHarmony. I really didn’t like that site because a) you can’t browse. You have to just wait for them to send you matches; and b) the matches they were sending me looked nothing like the physical descriptions I had given as my preference in the very detailed questionnaire they brag about. Once again, I was being paired up with the Unabomber.

So I let that membership end, and I tried the mother of all dating sites — the mecca, if you will. The alpha and the omega… The one that promised to make me as happy {if not happier than} the couples on TV gazing lovingly into each others’ eyes and giving testimony to how they never would have met if not for {trumpet blast} My brother met his girlfriend on Match. My ex met his new drill sergeant wife on Match. His little sister met her husband on Match. There had to be something there, right?

The very first guy who contacted me seemed promising… good job, lived fairly close by, nice looking… We chatted online briefly before exchanging numbers. This was exciting! This could be my guy! I could be that girl on the commercials! We started talking, and he asked what my interests were. I gave him my standard response: I like music {most types}, movies {pretty much anything except bloody and/or scary}, reading, going for walks by the lake, blah blah blah. Then I asked him what he liked. He said {and I quote}, “Well, I like those things too. I also like having my bootyhole licked.” Ummm… what? WHAT?? How does one go from musical preference to bootyhole?

He was quite put off when I responded negatively to that comment, saying I was wrong to judge people. Ok, bootyhole guy, you’re right. I shouldn’t have judged you based on your premature sharing of sexual tastes {ugh, pun definitely NOT intended}. But I’ll be honest. Although I do enjoy sex as much as the next person, I don’t want to discuss it in our very first conversation. And really, I don’t know that there’s ever a right time to bring up bootyholes.

I quickly gave up on my trial membership to Match after realizing that although this was a reputable {according to the lovely commercials} site which charged a monthly fee, the guys were mostly just like the ones on the free sites. There had to be someone good out there!

I also quickly learned, from the various sites to which I subscribed at one point or another, that when the questionnaire asks you to describe your physical appearance, apparently it’s ok to embellish. One guy described himself as ‘stocky’ but ended up looking like Fat Bastard. Several guys claimed to be 5’8, but were looking eye to eye with me when we met… and I’m 5’4. One guy left his height out altogether and ended up being nearly 7 feet tall. I felt like a toddler as we followed the hostess to our table at TGIFridays. No, excessive height isn’t a dealbreaker, but the fact that all he was able or willing to discuss was weather and sports kind of was.

There was one guy I started talking to who invited me to meet him for drinks… at a gay bar. When I asked why he chose that place, he said he went there all the time. He accused me of being prejudiced when I seemed a bit put off. I have no problem with people who happen to be gay. It doesn’t define them, anymore than being straight defines me. But if the guy I could potentially be dating is often frequenting a gay bar, I’m kinda thinking I really might not be his type.

I think one of my favorites was the single dad who wanted to bring his toddler son on our first date. He also had one of the oddest natural speaking voices I’ve ever heard. He was a black guy, and I kid you not, he sounded just like Flanders from The Simpsons. I kept expecting him to say, “What can I diddlee do ya for?”

I’ve since given up on online dating. I got tired of rewriting the same answers over and over for my profiles, and I was definitely tired of running into the same brand of perverts and players at every turn.

And so, smug eHarmony guy, you’ve lost your credibility with me. I gave you a shot and you blew it. You promised to study my likes and dislikes and find me Mr. Right. You ignored every hint I gave you on who my perfect guy would be. You blindly threw darts at a board and provided me with plenty of Mr. Wrongs. I think I can safely say that Prince Charming was not on your site — unless, of course, he was cleverly disguised as the Unabomber. Well played, eHarmony guy, well played.

Next up: The Boomerang