Weiner

I met Weiner on a semi-dating, semi-hooking up site I used to be on {in my defense, I thought it was a dating site}. I was really surprised when he started flirting with me, partly because he looked like an all-American guy {which made me think he might be out of my league}, and also because he’s white. The majority of guys who have shown any interest in me since my divorce have been black, so this was unexpected.

We talked on the phone a few times, then met one evening for dinner. He was several years younger than me {am I sensing a pattern?} and his personality made him seem even younger than that. But he was very sweet and we had a nice time. We wandered around this quirky shop that sells all kinds of old vintage toys etc, and then went down the street for some Thai food. After dinner, he walked me to my car, stood there awkwardly for a few seconds, then leaned in for a kiss. It was kind of like this:

Sadly, this is not much of an exaggeration.

Sadly, this is not much of an exaggeration.

He came at me open mouthed, tongue in attack position. The kiss was sloppy and awkward, and when it was over, he smiled and enthusiastically said, “That was nice!” in kind of a Gomer Pyle way. A day or two later, we were talking, and he said, “I bet you’re a good tongue kisser!” Tongue kisser??? Who the hell says that? I said, “Umm, you should know.” He seemed surprised and asked if we had done that. Now, how do you come at someone open mouthed and NOT realize you “tongue kissed” them??

A week later, I agreed to go on another date with him, even though the first date didn’t exactly knock my socks off. Yet another example of me being too nice for my own good. I didn’t have the heart to tell him no, so I decided to give him one more chance. We went to Dave & Buster’s and had a fun time, playing air hockey and video games and getting a bite to eat. At the end of the date, he walked me to my car and we stood there talking for a few minutes. I wish I could remember what we were talking about because for some reason, which could never possibly make sense on a date, he brought up John Wayne Bobbitt {remember him?} by saying, “Remember, he’s that guy whose wife cut off his weiner.” Weiner? First tongue kissing, now weiner? I felt like I was on a date with a nine-year-old.

This time, when he leaned in for a mouth assault kiss, I deflected by leaning in for a hug and I kissed him on the cheek instead. He asked me out a third time, but this time I fibbed and told him that I didn’t think I was ready for a relationship yet. He was sort of understanding.

At some point we had become Facebook friends, and I would see his various postings in my newsfeed. One day, he posted a picture of himself with a blonde, which said, “Me and my new awesome girlfriend, Kelly.” Less than a week later, he announced that he was single again. Not long after that, he started posting about another new girlfriend. A month or so later, that apparently ended badly, and he posted several curse-filled rants about what a horrible person she was. Soon the posts disappeared, and he sent me a message asking if I was single. I lied and told him I was seeing someone.

Within a few weeks, he was posting again about another new girlfriend, and once again, when things went sour, he sent me a message asking if I was still seeing someone. I saw a few of his rants on Facebook, sometimes directed at an ex girlfriend, sometimes at his dad, before I decided this friendship needed to come to an end.

I kind of think Weiner might have been bipolar because he’d be happy-go-lucky one minute, then cursing in all caps the next minute about his father refusing to lend him some money for rent. I’m glad I bailed on that one when I did, or I’m quite sure I would have been the target of his string of obscenities when things ultimately didn’t work out.

One good thing did come of my brief friendship with Weiner. He introduced me to the Shazam app, for which I will always be grateful. I use it nearly every day.

Next up: Why I Want to Smack That eHarmony Guy

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